My Romans 5:3-5

I have had an interesting couple weeks. Two weeks ago I was told I needed brain surgery... the doctor said it was safe, but it's still drilling into my skull. Then, mysteriously (or miraculously) a week ago I realized the pain in my face wasn't there. It was strange, so I started to wean myself off of my pain killers. Each day that passed I kept thinking the pain would return, but it's been 8 days and it's completely gone. I haven't even had a flicker of the electric shock I used to feel. It's as if my body reset to the way it used to be. It's also weird because the drugs I was on are sometimes used for depression, so I've had some strange side effects from going off of them.

Now I believe God is capable of anything and everything. I believe He can heal, and I believe He can let us endure suffering to stretch our faith. Most importantly, I trust Him... and for some reason I can't explain in words, I believe God allowed me for the last year and a half to endure a form of suffering few can relate to. It wasn't something people could see, and it wasn't something anyone could understand. In fact, I can easily get frustrated that people don't understand the magnitude of what it means that I no longer have that pain. The human part of me wants to them to feel the pain for a few seconds, just so they can grasp just what it means to no longer have it. Yeah, I'm messed up that the sinful part of me thinks that sometimes! And I think I feel that way because none of us want to go through suffering or healing alone. Yet if there's one thing I've learned, no matter how much empathy people try to show (or don't show), you will feel isolated in suffering.

But that's part of what God's been teaching me. There are pieces of our faith that we can't explain to others. Parts of it can be isolated, and there are aspects of our growth that only we will understand. Where it all comes together is how it refines our character. This is where Romans 5:3-5 comes into play (ironically, the second verse I ever memorized as a kid): "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

What matters is not the suffering or the healing, but how it molds our faith, making us stronger men and women of God, relying on His power to work through us. I'm so quick to try to use my own strength and my own talents to operate my life, instead of allowing His power to work through me first, guiding those gifts/talents to the betterment of His Kingdom (not my own).

In the end I could end up with the pain in my face tomorrow... or something worse could happen. It doesn't really matter. God will do what He wants to do, and I'm okay with that. I trust Him. I believe He does what he wants to do, and I'm perfectly okay with letting Him make those decisions.

Drilling into my head...

So a year and a half ago I woke up with a toothache. The pain progressed over the course of a week until I felt like I had electric shocks on the right side of my face. It happened anywhere from 10-50 plus times a day, for 1-15 seconds each time. It took me a month or two to get the right diagnosis, but it is called TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA. It is also called "the suicide disease" for the pain and frustration it causes in people, making them want to kill themselves. Not fun!

Trigeminal Neuralgia has a number of causes, and it is found mostly in older woman or as an early sign of MS. What happens is the nerve from our face has three branches (hence the "tri"), one of which is rubbing against a blood vessel on the stem of my brain. There are only a few doctors in the country that can accurately detect this and operate on it. My first MRI, with a local Neuralogist, did not show any signs of rubbing against the nerve. I flew to New York to a leading expert and he immediately detected the problem.

What hasn't it seemed to bother me lately?
For the last year or so I have found different medications (anti-convulsants) to help the minimize the pain, so that most of the time I forget it's there. However, each medicine eventually runs its course and the pain returns. While my current medication works, it is only a matter of months before it wears off.

Brain Surgery?
Yes, I will need to have surgery on the stem of my brain. They will knock me out, drill a quarter size whole behind my right ear, and go in to separate the blood vessel from the nerve. It takes a couple hours, gives me an awful headache, but then I should be fine. It has over a 95% success rate, and there are very few complications.

When?
Sometime in the next 2-3 months.

Fun Stuff!!!!!

Avatar and Freedom

I went and saw Avatar for the second time yesterday... This time at the IMAX. There's a huge difference watching movies on a screen that big. It truly makes you feel like you're there. And I think making you feel like you're there is part of the trick with Avatar. The special effects bring a world to life that draws us in and makes us dream about a far away place that anything is possible.

Fantasy books and movies have always found a way to capture the imagination, allowing us to forget the world we live in and move to a place that has no record of our life on earth. There's a sense of freedom in imagination. However, just like Jake from the movie, eventually reality kicks back in and you remember who you are.

I could go on about how our relationship with God gives us freedom, which is does, but I believe our freedom in Jesus Christ comes when we face our life here on earth with responsibility, accountability, and realistic expectations for who God has made us. The responsibility piece is huge for me, because I feel like so many people are trapped because they can't take responsibility for their life, whether past or present. It's hard to be set free with bitterness and blame.

We all want freedom. We want to forget our past mistakes. We desperately want that feeling that anything is possible for our lives. It is only through courageously facing our past and taking responsibility for the life we are living that freedom will begin to penetrate into our heart. It can take time for many, and it can happen quickly for others. But it only happens when we own up to who we are.

Living like Nehemiah

As I have been preparing for a Life Group for some young adult guys, I've been looking at different men throughout the Bible. Most people who know the Bible look at Jesus, Moses, David, Paul, Daniel, Jonah, and other well known men. After all, if you grew up in children's church, you know their stories. I still think of the Hannah Barbara cartoon of "Daniel and the Lions Den" every time I read through that book. But Nehemiah? Too often he's overlooked.

Nehemiah's desire to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem is the kind of faith I can relate to. It makes sense to me, because sometimes you hear God telling you to do something with your life, and while others might not see the significance, you know it is part of a greater plan for what God is doing with you.

I honestly believe people wake up some days and know something is off. They can't put their finger on it, but there is something they are supposed to be doing or supposed to be working for. I also believe God reveals to us only what we need to see or hear, and not necessarily details to what he wants us to do. This isn't based on anything Biblical I've read (accept maybe with Jacob in Genesis), but rather personal experience. There's obviously choice involved, but when God puts something on your heart and you accept it, the choice presents itself with clarity.

Nehemiah wanted to rebuild a wall, and ultimately, a nation.... but it started with the wall. His passion is what brought people into his circle of influence, because his faith was enough to make them believe it could be done.

I could go on and on and on, but I'll leave it at this: God gives us the desires of our hearts, and if we follow his ways, he will let those desires burn so hot that we can't do anything else in life but go after them.

Dominos

The last season of our church has kept me abnormally busy. There are times in ministry where this happens, and while it can be tiring and push your limits, you have to keep a healthy balance in your life to survive it. I feel like I've done that for the most part, but I've put a couple things on hold that are really starting to catch up to me. You'll notice that none of these things are as important as say family or my walk with God, because I would rather deal with this stuff than hurt relationships. If it means cleaning my car out or taking my daughter to the park, my daughter will win every single time. However, here is the list of things I need to do!!!

1. Cleaning out my cars - Isn't it amazing how a clean car can make you feel better about how things are going in your life? It's funny, but so true for me! This is one of the top things on my list of things I need to find time for!

2. Cleaning out my garage - It is not as important as the cars, but it would be nice to take my trash out without tripping over things in the dark.

3. Bills, bills, bills - I pay them, but I need to organize everything and do a better job tracking where our money goes. I also have yet to transfer over our old Connecticut checking account. It's been a year and a half and I haven't done it, because it means changing a whole lot of billing information. The sad things is bills, numbers, and budgets come remarkably easy to me... I just haven't made time to tackle it all.

4. Car registration, blinker, etc. - My cars are just a disaster! I have had a blinker out on one for like 2 months. That can't be safe (or legal). Somehow we didn't pay out $60 car tax. I don't even remember receiving it, but how would I know when all my bills are in a giant pile!

5. Doctor visits - While a smaller priority, I need to go to the dentist and doctor!

6. Painting out house - We've been here for the better part of a year and I haven't even begun to paint most of the house. It's sad, because I have everything I need... it's just one of those things that gets pushed aside.

7. Finishing my wife's blog and website

So those are my needs... my wants? Totally different, and none of them a priority.

1. Finish the fire pit area
2. Keep writing my book - I really could finish if I had enough time
3. Finish the accounting book I'm reading and studying, so I can start to learn more about small business accounting.
4. Play some golf!

Life is funny, because you can never do everything, and things are rarely finished! That's the way it goes I guess!

merging my blogs

I finally merged another blog I was working on with this one. It is just another way to archive my writing. I enjoy writing.

Healthy Distractions

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog... I'm going to start up again, if for no other reason than I enjoy writing.

I don't write as much as I used to when I was younger and had more free time, but as with everything else in life, I believe if we want to do something bad enough, we will make the time. It is amazing how we always find time for things that matter to us the most.

I feel like it's only in writing that my real thoughts are able to be extracted without my mouth somehow fumbling them into being misunderstood. I mean that with all sincerity. I have a difficult time ever communicating how I really feel or what I am really thinking. Writing slows me down, and gives me freedom I don't carry in everyday conversation.

...

While watching LOST the other night, I found myself interested in a scene where two of the main characters were discussing what to do about a problem. Jack (the doctor) walked into the house of Sawyer (the con-artist) demanding he stop reading his book and help fix the problem. Sawyer goes on to tell him that reading a book helps him think...

Sometimes the best thing we can do in life is completely step away from a problem or situation that has consumed us. It is that feeling I get playing music, a round of golf, or sitting around a fire with friends. Enjoying simple pleasures, all given to us by God, can set us free from the bondage we feel from a project or problem.

Sometimes taking a break, stopping, and stepping away can be the best use of our time.